Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Dancing Woes

Somedays back my friends and I got a very pleasant invitation. “It is my sister’s wedding, Make sure you are all there”.
Marriage I believe is a colossal waste. There is so much food and hard earned money is spent to make wedding as spectacular as your wallet will allow. Ladies with all their garish, gawdy clothes and excessive make up while men on the other hand wearing really uncomfortable clothes just to outdo one another. The couple in question whose happiness we are supposedly celebrating just sit on the pedestal onlookers of their own marriage. But I am not married so what do I know about marriages anyway?
So, coming back to the original theme, My Friend’s Sister’s Wedding had everything quintessential about weddings, the abundant foods, the overdressed crowd etc. When talking about the wedding though, it is not complete without mention of the ‘Baraati Dance’.
‘Baraati Dance ’ is a demonstration of pure energy with no inhibition whatsoever and unmindful of the surroundings. The same thing happened at this wedding too when we took to the stage. It was almost a pandemonium.The most bizarre movement of the body and the twisted face expression said what words could never do. It would put the most accomplished dancer to shame for we were dancing to our own tune and for ourselves and not to put on a display. We danced our hearts out until our performance was cut short because kids were getting scared and some started crying.
I have had my fair share of experiences with dancing, some good and some not so good but there is one that stuck with me.
At one of my distant cousin’s wedding, I was among the many that attended the match made in heaven (some overzealous aunts of course played a part in its fruition. The aunts must be angels then) I was gauging the quality of the crowd(if you know what I mean) and lay patiently like a predator waiting to pounce on my unsuspecting prey. After I zoomed in on the prey, I got my cousin to get a good introduction. Helpful as my cousin was, I was set for the night to have a good time.
Prey’s name was Payal and she was good looking and it turned out she was interested in the conversation (pretty difficult to resist my charm anyway). The night was pacing along nicely and we were having good conversation. It was almost like we clicked and I was about to ask for her number (this was pre facebook days and getting number was means to get to know her better) when suddenly I was pulled away for dancing.
After the due notanki, I caved in to the temptation of dancing. I danced like there was no tomorrow, I totally gave in to the primal desires and before I could be lost in the trance, I happen to get a look at Payal’s face. She was shellshocked and her face was drained of colour almost as if she had seen a ghost. I stopped my sterling performance midway an was trying to approach her when she turned and ran like I was some kind of vampire thirsty for her blood. She was not seen for the rest of the night and I never got her number.
I always knew I am not Hrithik Roshan but whenever I try to dance now Payal’s face always haunts me.

Sunday, March 6, 2011


I was so confused today early morning. I was feeling lazy and wanted to sleep more but at the same time I was hungry, hungry enough to have my sleep distracted. I could have probably eaten something but that would entail brushing teeth and going downstairs to have breakfast. Brushing teeth I could have forgo but there was no way to have food without going downstairs.
It was then the idea hit me, God with all his knowledge and power is inefficient for sure. For he could have easily do away with food and make us solar powered. All it would have taken was a wave of magic wand. This would have save time, the precious time that we spent on having food and the time spent on working to get that too. It would also have meant no death due to starvation and people would not have to toil for bare survival. Their time could have been directed towards education, innovation, literature and the best of all sleep.

Of course critics of this theory often points out that there would been have no life in Siberia then. Firstly, who would want to live in Siberia and secondly are not there inhospitable terrains in the world right now?
Just think of the advancements that we would have made in the field of science, literature. Not only that there would have no deaths due to cholesterol blocked arteries, diabetes etc.
When I have already mentioned about inefficiency in the design system of God, I might also point out the flaws in his branding too. God if you are reading pay attention for this is very important.
When it started out, God was portrayed as all merciful, kind, forgiving to its followers and tolerant of other people religious beliefs. This made it possible for people of different faiths to co exist. Humans were thought of as created in the image of the maker.

Lately however the branding campaign of God has been hijacked and it has hit rock bottom to say the least. When once the icons of God was the learned Gurus. Prophet or Son of god, the post has been usurped by Al Qaeda and the self proclaimed moral police trying to uplift and remove the decadent practices that has taken hold of mere mortals.

So Lord the all merciful will banish you from his Kingdom and leave you to rot in hell if you do not follow His Law.

Now, Lord the picture of tolerance is having hard time accepting that two consenting adults hold hands in public and celebrate Valentine’s Day and girls much to his chagrin wear jeans.

God the Creator of Life now proclaims “Death to Infidels” from the roof tops and force kids to carry AK- 47.
A simple and naïve follower like me is confused, which is the true identity of God.
Which God I put my faith into, The inefficient and merciful God or the inefficient, hateful and vengeful God.
I think it is time that God take stocks of all things happening in his name and may be learn something about operations and marketing while he is at it. As for me I better get up before my head burst with further crazy ideas.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

IndianBudget and Me

This is not one of those 100’s articles doing the round explaining the budget to you. So if you want to know about budget (seriously budget!!) then bugger off. This is about the similarities between Pranab Mukherjee and me. Ya I know it is flattering but the resemblance is uncanny.
First and the foremost similarity is the dependence on the word “IF”. Now I do not have to explain the importance of the word ‘if’. For every one of us every now and then sighs “IF ONLY” and the things could have been different.
My list of ifs include the following:
- Should have been cast as Robert Pattinson opposite Kristen Stewart and now she could have been my girl friend and I would have been the heartthrob of entire world or at least the world that matters
- I was born as Vijay Mallya’s son and have unlimited access to ‘beer’, license for good time and got to hang out with Deepika.

- I could be invisible and hence do not have to attend the classes and get my degree without breaking a sweat.

Whereas Pranab da’s list of ifs include:
- Double digit growth will manifest itself in the next fiscal inshallah. (The crucial how is missing)
- The price of crude oil will magically come down despite the several jasmine round of revolutions taking place in the oil producing countries. (I prayed to Goddess Lakshmi did not I? she will do something)
- Nandan Nilekani will come up with the UID project by March 2012 and we will be able to plug the leaks in PDS and subsidies. (This might actually come true. Betting on Nilekani to deliver)

- BJP will help us pass the important reformist bills like The Insurance Laws and the Banking Laws Amendment Bill. (Like they help you pass the Nuclear Deal)
- There is another windfall gain like the 3G to rein fiscal deficit. (Some minister conscience will wake up and he will donate the money he made from one of the scams. Mr Raja you reading this?)
- Food Prices and the supply bottlenecks will magically disappear. (Like they have been asked to disappear for the last fifty years.)

My ‘ifs’ or ‘wishlist’ may look impossible and stupid but believe me they are not half as stupid as Pranab da’s wishlist. These are just some basic but nonetheless important ‘ifs’ on which how Pranab da will be remembered as FM depends.